Hockey on Grass.

This was supposed to be about soccer. But I didn't really write anything. Oh, I was watching the EURO 2008 Tournament. (Always had to be spelled in caps). And I was enjoying it. If you read this blog, I appologize greatly.

Short shorts

I used to watch the NBA playoffs constantly. Every game. Every day. But lately that has not been the case. The NBA has turned from a passionate team game, to an individual side show for 20 year olds to flex their tattooed muscles. Side note: Why does every single NBA player (besides Tim Duncan) make it a point to slather their bodies with tattoos? Maybe it is just my lack of fashion sense and overall coolness, but I don’t understand why getting the words “Chosen one” permanantly inked on your esophagus embodies all that is “hip." Back on the farm..… I was talking about my disappointment with the NBA. I loved watching TEAM players such as Jordan, Stockton, Olajuwon, Barkley, Robinson, Pippen, and many others dominate an era of basketball that will never be duplicated again. Now-a-days (I really wanted to refrain from using that phrase) guys look like they are just going through the routine and are just sliding through another day in the office. When was the last time you saw someone hit the deck for a loose ball or give credit to a teammate after an excellent pass? I can’t remember.

Players used to play defense too. That was cool. Don’t get me wrong, I love watching the highlight dunk as much as the next nerdy sports dude living in their parents' basement, but come on, step up and play some D.

But I guess I am in the minority on this one. Ratings for NBA hoops are at an all time high and the league has completely overcome the entire referee gambling scandal. What could change my views? I don’t know. Maybe enforce a rule that each team has to have a white guy over 240 lbs on the floor at all times. Make the courts look like a Tuesday night at your local YMCA gymnasium. I guess I have just lost all faith. Just like I have lost faith that Eddie Murphy will make another funny movie one day. Gone are the days of players like Rick Smits and movies like Coming to America. Now we are forced to watch Leandro Barbosa and Daddy Day Care.

I am only 25 and I sound like that old dude in the barbershop who bitches about instant replay and only mentions former Yankee great's as true baseball players.

I need a hobby.

Top 15 Pirate Centerfielders of the 15 losing seasons.

Last night, "Nasty" Nate Mclouth took the field as the Pirates starting centerfielder for the 2008 season. Mclouth overcame the odds and the label that he was just a "4th outfielder" as he went on to drive in three runs in the Bucs 12-11 sloppy win. He also let a routine fly ball drop between him and leftfielder Jason Bay which looked like a scene straight out of Bad News Bears. Not the shitty one with Billy Bob Thorton, but the original. This got me thinking how the Pirates haven't had a solid centerfield in the past 15 seasons. Here is a list of the top 15 outfield captians ranked on......I dunno? I just kind of picked em. Much like any other list you will read on a sports blog, these list's are just picked by "some guy". So enjoy....

15. Jacob Brumfield 1995
- Best known for almost killing himself crashing into Dave Clark. Which is not a bad thing to be known for

14. Rob Mackowiak 2004
- Hit a walk off home run on his kid’s birthday. Congrats Dad. You still lost 80 games that season
13. Adrian Brown 1997
- Looked like a scared 7 year old at the plate. He has been erased from my memory until the creation of this list.

12. Turner Ward 1996
- Crashed through the Three Rivers centerfield wall. Now manages the State College Spikes. In one word: "Badass"

11. Jason Bay 2005
- Played 44 games in Center for the Bucs in 05. Will play 64 games for the Yankees in 08.

10. Chad Hermansen 2002
- Was supposed to be the next Andy Van Slyke. In one word: "Sucked"

9. Gary Matthews Jr 2001
- Yeah we had him too.

8. Adam Hyzdu 2003
- He was a fan favorite. Just wasn’t that good……

7. Chris Duffy 2006
- Ohhhhhh he’s sooooooo fast. Oh man. He is going to steal 50 bases. Ohhh he will get on base and steal second and third immediately. Nope…..sucked. Still sucks actually. Oh yeah he quit the team once when he got demoted. Kids don’t even quit in wiffleball.

6. Jermaine Allensworth 1997
- I’ve got nothing. Oh yeah! He was once imitated in a Tracy Morgan sketch on SNL. Swear to god. Couldn’t find the video. But here is the transcript…
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/96/96qperspectives.phtml

5. Brian Giles 2000
- Mainly a left fielder. But played Center a couple of times. I had to get 15. So he counts. Deal with it.

4. Kenny Lofton 2003
- traded away in the worst trade of all time to the Cubs with Aramis Ramirez. But was the man for awhile at PNC.

3. Tike Redman 2004
-A computer once told Manager Lloyd McClendon to bat Tike 3rd. I chose Tike at the 3 spot because …well….because a computer once told Manager Lloyd McClendon to bat him third. That is just funny, because it actually happened. Haha.

2. Nate Mclouth 2008
- Hit a three run homer in the opener. Good start. Keep it up lil buddy…..

1. Andy Van Slyke 1993
- Yes he was a starting centerfield in 93 through 95. Nobody patrolled the outfield grass in Pittsburgh better than Van Slyke. He hit for average and also stole the occasional base. Plus he has a complete hatred for Barry Bonds, which makes him number one in my book.

the end.

Seriously Guys......

Pirates Game 1 Recap

Last nights 12-11 "victory" over the Atlanta Braves was a four hour suck fest of professional baseball. Yeah it was opening day and the season is young, but that 9th inning gave me a feeling in my stomach that only 8 shots of Tequila and cold 3 week old pizza can give a young male ages 18 - 25.

The Pirates headed into the bottom of the ninth inning with a comfortable 9-4 lead. Pirates announcer Bob Walk actually said that the Buccos were "running up the score" when Jose Bautista bunted in a run in the ninth. Emotions ran high as I was excited as a kid on Christmas morning that the Bucs were not only going to beat BUT….. destroy the Atlanta Braves in the season opener. FALSE…..on to the bottom of the ninth….

The bottom of the ninth was like the last 25 minutes of The Empire Strikes Back. (Stay with me here.) It starts off with some innocent mistakes like C3PO walking into a room and getting blasted by a Storm Trooper (Matt Capps walks in a run), then when Lando sells out Han to Darth Vader you think things are not going to go as planned (Chipper Jones 2 run single: 9-7 ), next thing you know all hell breaks loose….Solo is frozen in carbonite, Lando becomes good again, Luke loses an arm, Darth Vader is his father, C3P0 comes out of the closet [made up] (a routine fly ball drops in between Bay and Mclouth, Chipper Jones hustles and scores from first. Tie Game: 9-9). What just happened? The good guys were supposed to win.

Throughout the entire game (movie) I had a feeling in my stomach that the Pirates were going to lose. And they almost did. If it wasn’t for Xavier "I’m going to be a Met in July" Nady clubbing his second dinger of the game driving in three to give the Bucs another lead. The Braves drove in two in the bottom of the eleventh which was expected, but in the end the Buccos escaped. (Much like Leia, Chewy, the gay robots, Lando, and Luke did at the end of Empire).

Dumbest Thing Ever

City Slickers was a sweet movie. City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold, was even better. But this, this is just plain stupid....

Billy Crystal to don Yankees pinstripes

TAMPA, Fla. - Billy Crystal will get to "look mahvelous" in pinstripes. The actor will sign a one-day, minor league contract with the New York Yankees and play in Thursday's exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

witty opening line.

"I've been waiting 50 years for this call," Crystal said in a statement released by the team. "I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of the Yankees and commissioner Selig. I know this'll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I'm looking forward to helping the younger players, which by the way is all of them. Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras is on the phone."

Funny? You be the judge....

Crystal, according to the Yankees hit .348 and was captain during his senior year at Long Beach High School in New York. He directed and produced "61 ," a move about Roger Maris, Mickey Mantle and the 1961 Yankees.

Well, at least he has all the qualifications to take up a roster spot.....

Yankees manager Joe Girardi, after Monday night's 4-0 win over Cincinnati, said he hasn't determined what position Crystal will play.
"That remains to be seen," Girardi said. "Obviously, it's kind of exciting. Billy Crystal has done a lot for this organization. He's always been a big part of it. Our way of rewarding him, saying thanks for everything that you've done."

I hope Matt Capps hits him in the head with a 90mph fastball.........brutal?

To combat the recent signing of Crystal, the Pirates signed Michael Keaton to a minor league contract. GM Neal Hunington has not ruled out the possibility that Mr. Mom could make the team out of spring training.....

Yahoo Story

Nicaragua is misinformed

I will continue to hate the New England Patriots for as long as I live. The native nicaragua(n's?) people do not have the same luxuries that we americans enjoy. On top of that.... and not having any food besides oranges and bananas, they now have to be lied to by Bill Bellichick and Robert Kraft. Those poor people. We need to have Carrott Top go perform for them to make up for the Patriots sins.

" The New England Patriots won the Super Bowl and ended the season with a perfect 19-0 record -- at least it looks that way in Nicaragua.
The NFL donated 290 Patriots hats and an equal number of team jerseys trumpeting the slogans "Super Bowl Champions, 19-0" to impoverished children from two small communities in southern Nicaragua."

The balls on these guys.



http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3247804

This Week in Fake Sports News

With all the allegations, trials, debacles, and "he said- she said" BS going on in sports, I decided to make up stories of some of my favorite fictional athletes. I present them to you today with limited accountability and credibility. Heh?!?

(This will hoepefully be a recurring theme here as long as I don't get criticzed and threatend to be hung in Towne Square. Enjoy. )

February 12th, 2008

NBA Basketball

Mav's sign Center

Former Western University Center Neon Bodeaux was recently signed by the Dallas Mavericks to help the Mav’s get big for playoffs. The signing is due to the recent trade that the Phoenix Suns pulled off by acquiring Shaquille O’Neal from the Miami Heat. Mav’s owner Mark Cuban said of the signing "We needed a player with Shaq-like qualities that we could use for some qualities minutes off the bench to bulk up in the low post. Cuban added. "I go way back with Neon’s college coach, Pete Bell. We had anger management classes together… afterwards we would grab a Jonny Walker with Bobby Knight and go shoot cans off fence posts.
Bodeaux is now 33 years of age and is four years removed from the NBA. After being selected in second round of the NBA Draft by the Washington Bullets in 1997, Neon never really caught on in the NBA. He was on injured reserve 3 times and was arrested for disorderly conduct when he was caught knocking over Anfernee Hardaway’s mailbox with a shovel. Bodeaux signed a 10 day contract and could join the Mav’s tomorrow.

Saleh Retires
African basketball superstar and current NBA D-League journeyman, Saleh, retired from professional basketball this week. Saleh was a prized recruit by legendary college coach and recruiter, Jimmy Dolan, had an up and down pro career. After four seasons with the Blazers, Saleh was recruited by former NBA Star Manute Bol to return home and play for his intramural squad, "5 Tall Guys" (the team also included Shawn Bradley, George Murashean and Bol’s father).
Saleh missed the NBA lifestyle and quickly returned to the states where he was demoted to the NBA D-League. He averaged over 10.5 points per game and once grabbed 35 rebound in a game. Saleh says now he will return home to teach youngsters the game, and he also added he plans to relax and watch many Kevin Bacon movies.

NHL

Former Pee-Wee star finds home in NHL.
The heart and soul of the "Minnesota Miracle Men" and the 1994 USA Junior World Hockey Champions, Charlie Conway, signed a deal with the Anaheim Ducks today. Conway was drafted in 2001 by the Ottawa Senators but refused to sign claiming "IM A DUCK" in a boisterous press conference. Conway has yet to play in the NHL due to the fact that he would not wear any other uniform, now he gets what he always wished for. The Ducks say the reasoning for the deal is to "add some more depth at the Center position and to add an inspirational leader". Many league and team officials speculate it is because Conway would not stop calling and showing up to Ducks practice uninvited.
Conway has recently been playing pick up pond hockey in Minnesota with former teammates Fulton Reed and Adam Banks. In early 2004, Conway was cited for showing up drunk to a pee wee hockey game and continuously throwing honey roasted peanuts at the Hawks. He spent 24 hours in jail and was later released on bond provided by former coach and stepfather Gordon Bombay. Conway is 33 and has 12 kids.

Reunion Planned
A 31 year reunion has been planned for the historic minor league hockey team, The Charlestown Chiefs .The Chiefs will hold the gathering at the local Applebee’s which was the former site of the Charleston Mill. Local police have been informed and will be present during the party. The reason for police presence is, back in 2002 the team tried to have a 25 year reunion, when the Hanson Brothers attempted to light the restaurant on fire and tried to bite several of the waitresses. No alcohol will be served but there will be a 7 dollar autograph session for fans.

MLB

Hayes admits to steroid use
Former Cleveland Indians centerfielder and star of the major motion blockbuster Black Hammer/ White Lightning, Willie Mayes Hayes, admitted to using steroids over the weekend.
Hayes was not mentioned in the Mitchell Report and has not been seen for over five years, but yesterday called a press conference at a Sandusky Ohio VFW to proclaim his steroid use. Hayes also mentioned that he once sold roids to former teammate Roger Dorn. No charges have been filled and nobody really seems to care, but according to friend and family, Hayes has fled to Mexico to live with former Indians slugger Pedro Ceranno were he will assist Ceranno in running his liquor empire "Jobu’s Rum " . Hayes played eight seasons with the Indians and stole over 2,000 bases. Bud Selig was unavailable for comment.