The Pirates won 68 games last year. Yes, 68. To put that in perspective, the NBA's Dallas Mavericks won 67 games last year. They play 82 games total. The Buccos play 162. That is not good. This year, our battling Bucs embark on a journey to become the worst professional sports team the world has ever laid eyes on, as they go for consecutive losing season number sixteen. So, as spring training rapidly approaches, the distant thoughts of major league depression and horrendous baseball start to worm their way back into my optimistic mind. That being said, I am feeling compelled to shed some light on how shitty this team may possibly be. Being a large fan of cinematic art, I compiled a team of fictional baseball players (from the films I grew up on) and compared, position by position, my team (appropriately named The Lone Rangers, see:
"Airheads") against our 2008 Pittsburgh Pirates. Enjoy.
First Base - Adam Laroche vs.
Lou Collins (Little Big League)LaRoche went through a so-called "slump" at the beginning of last year but started to turn it around after the all-star break. Too bad the Bucs were already 400 games back of the division lead. LaRoche's love for killing animals (hunting), and the fact that he does have the potential to hit 30-plus dingers for the Bucs, gives him a slight edge over Collins.Sweet Lou has been a staple of the Minnesota Twins lineup throughout the fictional 1990's. He has faced the likes of Steve Farr and Randy Johnson and has come out on top almost every time. Most "casual crappy-movie-goers" will remember that Collins divided the clubhouse when he decided to date the fraternal mother of Twins Manager, Billy Haywood. Haywood, who was 14 at the time, frowned upon their dates to the ice cream shoppe and Great America and eventually benched Collins for a significant amount of fake games. Some may question Collins’ leadership and clubhouse likeability, but they will never question his success as a cougar hunter.
Advantage: In a surprise victory, LaRoche. Bucs - 1 Lone Rangers - 0
Second Base - Freddy Sanchez vs. Michael "Squints" Palledorous (The Sandlot)At first glance, some may say that Sanchez wins this match up hands down. But I do not see it as an easy contest.... to say the least. Michael "Squints" Pallerdorous looks like the kid you used to throw dodgeballs at before the game even started in middle school, but he has some athletic ability. Squints, the co-creator of the term "L-7 weeenie," went 12 for 14 in the only competitive game the Sandlot kids played. As the unheralded risk taker of the Sandlot squad, MP took things to a new level when he faked drowning in the local community pool just so Wendy Peffercorn would give him mouth-to-mouth. Those are the things legends are made of.Sanchez, on the other hand, won a batting title, has a clubbed foot, made the all-star team two years in a row, and just signed a new contract.
Advantage: Squints! "FOR-EV-ER." Bucs - 1 Lone Rangers - 1
Shortstop - Jack Wilson vs. Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez (The Sandlot)The Jet can do it all. He filled in every position for the Sandlot boys until Smalls joined the group (Free Sandlot history lesson). Even a "grown up" Jet stole home for the Dodgers and maintained a beautiful moostache.Jumping Jack is the heart and soul of the bucs. As the longest tenured member of this wretched baseball squad, it is still a mystery as to why he has not packed up his things and moved to Fallujah. For that reason and that reason alone, Jack Wilson will always be a Pirate.
Advantage: Wilson. Bucs - 2 Lone Rangers - 1
Third Base - Jose Bautista vs. Roger Dorn (Major League)The man buys the team and then declares a "Roger Dorn Poster Night" in the highly criticized Major League 2. No Contest.
Advantage: Dorn Bucs - 2 Lone Rangers - 2
Left Field - Jason Bay vs. Scotty Smalls (The Sandlot)Although Bay had about as good of a year as Britney Spears did in ‘07, he never gave himself a black eye while playing catch, and I am assuming he knows who Babe Ruth is. Dumbass.
Advantage: Bay. Bucs - 3 Lone Rangers - 2(this is a heated affair)
Center Field - Nyjer Morgan/Nate McClouth/Chris Duffy vs. Willie Mayes Hayes (Major League)This is currently the only position battle in the Pirates 2008 starting lineup. Morgan, McClouth, and Duffy all possess similar skills like being quick on the base paths and having the ability to hit for average. They all have the potential to be successful prototypical leadoff hitters for the Bucs. That being said, they can not hold Willie Mayes Hayes' jockstrap.Hayes had the audacity to show up un-invited to Indians camp in '89 and, to his credit, impressed all coaches and staff immediately. After 100 some stolen bases and 100 unnecessary holes in the wall from mounting his batting gloves, Hayes went on to star in a feature film with Jesse “the body” Ventura, appropriately titled "Black Hammer/ White Lighting". Hayes was Hammer in case you didn’t catch the trailer.
Advantage: Hayes. I don’t care who wins the bucs CF job, they will never compare to a Wesley Snipes character. (Omar Epps played Hayes in 2).
Bucs - 3 Lone Rangers - 3
Right Field - Xavier Nady vs. Pedro Cerrano (Major League)
This my favorite matchup thus far. The agressive budhist turned passive spiritual nice guy against the aggressive prick from new york turned aggressive nice guy from the burgh. Give Cerrano a chicken to sacrifice and piss him the hell off and you got your self a garuntead 3 runs batted in from the Cuban Crusher.
Nady can go 5 for 5 one night and make diving catches in the outfield ....to.....pulling a hip flexor in the on deck circle. Has shown flashes of brilliance at times and has also show flashes of not giving a shit....
Advantage: Cerrano "YOU HAVE NO MARBLES" Bucs - 3 Lone Rangers - 4
Catcher - Ronny Paulino vs. Ham Porter (The Sandlot)
All though these two chubby turds are similar in stature, the two differ in many ways. Paulino the quite soft spoken bottom of the lineup catcher had a terrible season in 07 and still dose not speak english well. Porter on the other hand belts homers at will and, was the sole contributor to the heated exchange between the "Giants" bratty representivie "Phillips" at Sandlot Field. Dropping gems like "Butt sniffer" and "Fart smeller" and hurling insults such as "You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam" and the classic "You play ball like a girl", Porter stole the show and eventually the hearts of overweight 12 year olds everywhere (that was mean).
Advatange: Porter. Lets speed the blog along, I got to get home for lunch.
Bucs -3 Lone Rangers - 5
Pitcher - Matt Morris vs. Eddie Harris (Major League)
Both are grizzled veterans who are past their prime. Both can give you 7 solid innings each time they take the mound. Both can pitch lights out and look like they would rather be at a dive bar listening to Molly Hatchet. Both can be proud endorsers of ben-gay. But one, only one, puts snot......... on the ball.
Advantage: Harris.
Bucs - 3 Lone Rangers - 6
Closer - Matt Capps vs. Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)
If you have not seen Rookie of the Year. You are simply not american. On the contrary, if you have not seen Matt Capps pitch, that is because the Bucs never have a chance to utilize their closer....
Advantage : Push (got lazy here, leave me alone.)
Manager - John Russell vs. Billy Haywood (Little Big League)
No baseball fan would confuse either of these two with Tony LaRussa or Tommy Lasorda, but both are unique. Haywood a child prodigy, at the age of 14 not only OWNED the Minnesota Twins (in fake movieland) but he also had the testicular fortitude to name himself Manager. The pube-less balls on this guy. To Haywood's credit, he turned a rag-tag squad of nobodys, into playoff contenders by teaching them algebra equations and how to throw water ballons out of hotel rooms.
Russell on the other hand was well.....well he did do......nope.....well that one time......ah shit.......he was our third base coach once.
Advantage: Billy the kid.
Bucs - 3 Lone Rangers - 7
Well there you have it folks, a bunch of actors who portrayed baseball players are better on paper than the actual Pittsburgh Pirates starting lineup for 2008. I dont know about you, but I'm expecting to see alot 0f 7-3 scores this year. You got your tickets??
Secreast OUT!
No relation to Jesus Shuttleworth.
Bootsy is amazed that someone remembers his career.
