This Week in Fake Sports News

With all the allegations, trials, debacles, and "he said- she said" BS going on in sports, I decided to make up stories of some of my favorite fictional athletes. I present them to you today with limited accountability and credibility. Heh?!?

(This will hoepefully be a recurring theme here as long as I don't get criticzed and threatend to be hung in Towne Square. Enjoy. )

February 12th, 2008

NBA Basketball

Mav's sign Center

Former Western University Center Neon Bodeaux was recently signed by the Dallas Mavericks to help the Mav’s get big for playoffs. The signing is due to the recent trade that the Phoenix Suns pulled off by acquiring Shaquille O’Neal from the Miami Heat. Mav’s owner Mark Cuban said of the signing "We needed a player with Shaq-like qualities that we could use for some qualities minutes off the bench to bulk up in the low post. Cuban added. "I go way back with Neon’s college coach, Pete Bell. We had anger management classes together… afterwards we would grab a Jonny Walker with Bobby Knight and go shoot cans off fence posts.
Bodeaux is now 33 years of age and is four years removed from the NBA. After being selected in second round of the NBA Draft by the Washington Bullets in 1997, Neon never really caught on in the NBA. He was on injured reserve 3 times and was arrested for disorderly conduct when he was caught knocking over Anfernee Hardaway’s mailbox with a shovel. Bodeaux signed a 10 day contract and could join the Mav’s tomorrow.

Saleh Retires
African basketball superstar and current NBA D-League journeyman, Saleh, retired from professional basketball this week. Saleh was a prized recruit by legendary college coach and recruiter, Jimmy Dolan, had an up and down pro career. After four seasons with the Blazers, Saleh was recruited by former NBA Star Manute Bol to return home and play for his intramural squad, "5 Tall Guys" (the team also included Shawn Bradley, George Murashean and Bol’s father).
Saleh missed the NBA lifestyle and quickly returned to the states where he was demoted to the NBA D-League. He averaged over 10.5 points per game and once grabbed 35 rebound in a game. Saleh says now he will return home to teach youngsters the game, and he also added he plans to relax and watch many Kevin Bacon movies.

NHL

Former Pee-Wee star finds home in NHL.
The heart and soul of the "Minnesota Miracle Men" and the 1994 USA Junior World Hockey Champions, Charlie Conway, signed a deal with the Anaheim Ducks today. Conway was drafted in 2001 by the Ottawa Senators but refused to sign claiming "IM A DUCK" in a boisterous press conference. Conway has yet to play in the NHL due to the fact that he would not wear any other uniform, now he gets what he always wished for. The Ducks say the reasoning for the deal is to "add some more depth at the Center position and to add an inspirational leader". Many league and team officials speculate it is because Conway would not stop calling and showing up to Ducks practice uninvited.
Conway has recently been playing pick up pond hockey in Minnesota with former teammates Fulton Reed and Adam Banks. In early 2004, Conway was cited for showing up drunk to a pee wee hockey game and continuously throwing honey roasted peanuts at the Hawks. He spent 24 hours in jail and was later released on bond provided by former coach and stepfather Gordon Bombay. Conway is 33 and has 12 kids.

Reunion Planned
A 31 year reunion has been planned for the historic minor league hockey team, The Charlestown Chiefs .The Chiefs will hold the gathering at the local Applebee’s which was the former site of the Charleston Mill. Local police have been informed and will be present during the party. The reason for police presence is, back in 2002 the team tried to have a 25 year reunion, when the Hanson Brothers attempted to light the restaurant on fire and tried to bite several of the waitresses. No alcohol will be served but there will be a 7 dollar autograph session for fans.

MLB

Hayes admits to steroid use
Former Cleveland Indians centerfielder and star of the major motion blockbuster Black Hammer/ White Lightning, Willie Mayes Hayes, admitted to using steroids over the weekend.
Hayes was not mentioned in the Mitchell Report and has not been seen for over five years, but yesterday called a press conference at a Sandusky Ohio VFW to proclaim his steroid use. Hayes also mentioned that he once sold roids to former teammate Roger Dorn. No charges have been filled and nobody really seems to care, but according to friend and family, Hayes has fled to Mexico to live with former Indians slugger Pedro Ceranno were he will assist Ceranno in running his liquor empire "Jobu’s Rum " . Hayes played eight seasons with the Indians and stole over 2,000 bases. Bud Selig was unavailable for comment.