Hockey on Grass.

This was supposed to be about soccer. But I didn't really write anything. Oh, I was watching the EURO 2008 Tournament. (Always had to be spelled in caps). And I was enjoying it. If you read this blog, I appologize greatly.

Short shorts

I used to watch the NBA playoffs constantly. Every game. Every day. But lately that has not been the case. The NBA has turned from a passionate team game, to an individual side show for 20 year olds to flex their tattooed muscles. Side note: Why does every single NBA player (besides Tim Duncan) make it a point to slather their bodies with tattoos? Maybe it is just my lack of fashion sense and overall coolness, but I don’t understand why getting the words “Chosen one” permanantly inked on your esophagus embodies all that is “hip." Back on the farm..… I was talking about my disappointment with the NBA. I loved watching TEAM players such as Jordan, Stockton, Olajuwon, Barkley, Robinson, Pippen, and many others dominate an era of basketball that will never be duplicated again. Now-a-days (I really wanted to refrain from using that phrase) guys look like they are just going through the routine and are just sliding through another day in the office. When was the last time you saw someone hit the deck for a loose ball or give credit to a teammate after an excellent pass? I can’t remember.

Players used to play defense too. That was cool. Don’t get me wrong, I love watching the highlight dunk as much as the next nerdy sports dude living in their parents' basement, but come on, step up and play some D.

But I guess I am in the minority on this one. Ratings for NBA hoops are at an all time high and the league has completely overcome the entire referee gambling scandal. What could change my views? I don’t know. Maybe enforce a rule that each team has to have a white guy over 240 lbs on the floor at all times. Make the courts look like a Tuesday night at your local YMCA gymnasium. I guess I have just lost all faith. Just like I have lost faith that Eddie Murphy will make another funny movie one day. Gone are the days of players like Rick Smits and movies like Coming to America. Now we are forced to watch Leandro Barbosa and Daddy Day Care.

I am only 25 and I sound like that old dude in the barbershop who bitches about instant replay and only mentions former Yankee great's as true baseball players.

I need a hobby.

Top 15 Pirate Centerfielders of the 15 losing seasons.

Last night, "Nasty" Nate Mclouth took the field as the Pirates starting centerfielder for the 2008 season. Mclouth overcame the odds and the label that he was just a "4th outfielder" as he went on to drive in three runs in the Bucs 12-11 sloppy win. He also let a routine fly ball drop between him and leftfielder Jason Bay which looked like a scene straight out of Bad News Bears. Not the shitty one with Billy Bob Thorton, but the original. This got me thinking how the Pirates haven't had a solid centerfield in the past 15 seasons. Here is a list of the top 15 outfield captians ranked on......I dunno? I just kind of picked em. Much like any other list you will read on a sports blog, these list's are just picked by "some guy". So enjoy....

15. Jacob Brumfield 1995
- Best known for almost killing himself crashing into Dave Clark. Which is not a bad thing to be known for

14. Rob Mackowiak 2004
- Hit a walk off home run on his kid’s birthday. Congrats Dad. You still lost 80 games that season
13. Adrian Brown 1997
- Looked like a scared 7 year old at the plate. He has been erased from my memory until the creation of this list.

12. Turner Ward 1996
- Crashed through the Three Rivers centerfield wall. Now manages the State College Spikes. In one word: "Badass"

11. Jason Bay 2005
- Played 44 games in Center for the Bucs in 05. Will play 64 games for the Yankees in 08.

10. Chad Hermansen 2002
- Was supposed to be the next Andy Van Slyke. In one word: "Sucked"

9. Gary Matthews Jr 2001
- Yeah we had him too.

8. Adam Hyzdu 2003
- He was a fan favorite. Just wasn’t that good……

7. Chris Duffy 2006
- Ohhhhhh he’s sooooooo fast. Oh man. He is going to steal 50 bases. Ohhh he will get on base and steal second and third immediately. Nope…..sucked. Still sucks actually. Oh yeah he quit the team once when he got demoted. Kids don’t even quit in wiffleball.

6. Jermaine Allensworth 1997
- I’ve got nothing. Oh yeah! He was once imitated in a Tracy Morgan sketch on SNL. Swear to god. Couldn’t find the video. But here is the transcript…
http://snltranscripts.jt.org/96/96qperspectives.phtml

5. Brian Giles 2000
- Mainly a left fielder. But played Center a couple of times. I had to get 15. So he counts. Deal with it.

4. Kenny Lofton 2003
- traded away in the worst trade of all time to the Cubs with Aramis Ramirez. But was the man for awhile at PNC.

3. Tike Redman 2004
-A computer once told Manager Lloyd McClendon to bat Tike 3rd. I chose Tike at the 3 spot because …well….because a computer once told Manager Lloyd McClendon to bat him third. That is just funny, because it actually happened. Haha.

2. Nate Mclouth 2008
- Hit a three run homer in the opener. Good start. Keep it up lil buddy…..

1. Andy Van Slyke 1993
- Yes he was a starting centerfield in 93 through 95. Nobody patrolled the outfield grass in Pittsburgh better than Van Slyke. He hit for average and also stole the occasional base. Plus he has a complete hatred for Barry Bonds, which makes him number one in my book.

the end.

Seriously Guys......

Pirates Game 1 Recap

Last nights 12-11 "victory" over the Atlanta Braves was a four hour suck fest of professional baseball. Yeah it was opening day and the season is young, but that 9th inning gave me a feeling in my stomach that only 8 shots of Tequila and cold 3 week old pizza can give a young male ages 18 - 25.

The Pirates headed into the bottom of the ninth inning with a comfortable 9-4 lead. Pirates announcer Bob Walk actually said that the Buccos were "running up the score" when Jose Bautista bunted in a run in the ninth. Emotions ran high as I was excited as a kid on Christmas morning that the Bucs were not only going to beat BUT….. destroy the Atlanta Braves in the season opener. FALSE…..on to the bottom of the ninth….

The bottom of the ninth was like the last 25 minutes of The Empire Strikes Back. (Stay with me here.) It starts off with some innocent mistakes like C3PO walking into a room and getting blasted by a Storm Trooper (Matt Capps walks in a run), then when Lando sells out Han to Darth Vader you think things are not going to go as planned (Chipper Jones 2 run single: 9-7 ), next thing you know all hell breaks loose….Solo is frozen in carbonite, Lando becomes good again, Luke loses an arm, Darth Vader is his father, C3P0 comes out of the closet [made up] (a routine fly ball drops in between Bay and Mclouth, Chipper Jones hustles and scores from first. Tie Game: 9-9). What just happened? The good guys were supposed to win.

Throughout the entire game (movie) I had a feeling in my stomach that the Pirates were going to lose. And they almost did. If it wasn’t for Xavier "I’m going to be a Met in July" Nady clubbing his second dinger of the game driving in three to give the Bucs another lead. The Braves drove in two in the bottom of the eleventh which was expected, but in the end the Buccos escaped. (Much like Leia, Chewy, the gay robots, Lando, and Luke did at the end of Empire).

Dumbest Thing Ever

City Slickers was a sweet movie. City Slickers 2: The Legend of Curly's Gold, was even better. But this, this is just plain stupid....

Billy Crystal to don Yankees pinstripes

TAMPA, Fla. - Billy Crystal will get to "look mahvelous" in pinstripes. The actor will sign a one-day, minor league contract with the New York Yankees and play in Thursday's exhibition game against the Pittsburgh Pirates.

witty opening line.

"I've been waiting 50 years for this call," Crystal said in a statement released by the team. "I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of the Yankees and commissioner Selig. I know this'll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I'm looking forward to helping the younger players, which by the way is all of them. Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras is on the phone."

Funny? You be the judge....

Crystal, according to the Yankees hit .348 and was captain during his senior year at Long Beach High School in New York. He directed and produced "61 ," a move about Roger Maris, Mickey Mantle and the 1961 Yankees.

Well, at least he has all the qualifications to take up a roster spot.....

Yankees manager Joe Girardi, after Monday night's 4-0 win over Cincinnati, said he hasn't determined what position Crystal will play.
"That remains to be seen," Girardi said. "Obviously, it's kind of exciting. Billy Crystal has done a lot for this organization. He's always been a big part of it. Our way of rewarding him, saying thanks for everything that you've done."

I hope Matt Capps hits him in the head with a 90mph fastball.........brutal?

To combat the recent signing of Crystal, the Pirates signed Michael Keaton to a minor league contract. GM Neal Hunington has not ruled out the possibility that Mr. Mom could make the team out of spring training.....

Yahoo Story

Nicaragua is misinformed

I will continue to hate the New England Patriots for as long as I live. The native nicaragua(n's?) people do not have the same luxuries that we americans enjoy. On top of that.... and not having any food besides oranges and bananas, they now have to be lied to by Bill Bellichick and Robert Kraft. Those poor people. We need to have Carrott Top go perform for them to make up for the Patriots sins.

" The New England Patriots won the Super Bowl and ended the season with a perfect 19-0 record -- at least it looks that way in Nicaragua.
The NFL donated 290 Patriots hats and an equal number of team jerseys trumpeting the slogans "Super Bowl Champions, 19-0" to impoverished children from two small communities in southern Nicaragua."

The balls on these guys.



http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3247804

This Week in Fake Sports News

With all the allegations, trials, debacles, and "he said- she said" BS going on in sports, I decided to make up stories of some of my favorite fictional athletes. I present them to you today with limited accountability and credibility. Heh?!?

(This will hoepefully be a recurring theme here as long as I don't get criticzed and threatend to be hung in Towne Square. Enjoy. )

February 12th, 2008

NBA Basketball

Mav's sign Center

Former Western University Center Neon Bodeaux was recently signed by the Dallas Mavericks to help the Mav’s get big for playoffs. The signing is due to the recent trade that the Phoenix Suns pulled off by acquiring Shaquille O’Neal from the Miami Heat. Mav’s owner Mark Cuban said of the signing "We needed a player with Shaq-like qualities that we could use for some qualities minutes off the bench to bulk up in the low post. Cuban added. "I go way back with Neon’s college coach, Pete Bell. We had anger management classes together… afterwards we would grab a Jonny Walker with Bobby Knight and go shoot cans off fence posts.
Bodeaux is now 33 years of age and is four years removed from the NBA. After being selected in second round of the NBA Draft by the Washington Bullets in 1997, Neon never really caught on in the NBA. He was on injured reserve 3 times and was arrested for disorderly conduct when he was caught knocking over Anfernee Hardaway’s mailbox with a shovel. Bodeaux signed a 10 day contract and could join the Mav’s tomorrow.

Saleh Retires
African basketball superstar and current NBA D-League journeyman, Saleh, retired from professional basketball this week. Saleh was a prized recruit by legendary college coach and recruiter, Jimmy Dolan, had an up and down pro career. After four seasons with the Blazers, Saleh was recruited by former NBA Star Manute Bol to return home and play for his intramural squad, "5 Tall Guys" (the team also included Shawn Bradley, George Murashean and Bol’s father).
Saleh missed the NBA lifestyle and quickly returned to the states where he was demoted to the NBA D-League. He averaged over 10.5 points per game and once grabbed 35 rebound in a game. Saleh says now he will return home to teach youngsters the game, and he also added he plans to relax and watch many Kevin Bacon movies.

NHL

Former Pee-Wee star finds home in NHL.
The heart and soul of the "Minnesota Miracle Men" and the 1994 USA Junior World Hockey Champions, Charlie Conway, signed a deal with the Anaheim Ducks today. Conway was drafted in 2001 by the Ottawa Senators but refused to sign claiming "IM A DUCK" in a boisterous press conference. Conway has yet to play in the NHL due to the fact that he would not wear any other uniform, now he gets what he always wished for. The Ducks say the reasoning for the deal is to "add some more depth at the Center position and to add an inspirational leader". Many league and team officials speculate it is because Conway would not stop calling and showing up to Ducks practice uninvited.
Conway has recently been playing pick up pond hockey in Minnesota with former teammates Fulton Reed and Adam Banks. In early 2004, Conway was cited for showing up drunk to a pee wee hockey game and continuously throwing honey roasted peanuts at the Hawks. He spent 24 hours in jail and was later released on bond provided by former coach and stepfather Gordon Bombay. Conway is 33 and has 12 kids.

Reunion Planned
A 31 year reunion has been planned for the historic minor league hockey team, The Charlestown Chiefs .The Chiefs will hold the gathering at the local Applebee’s which was the former site of the Charleston Mill. Local police have been informed and will be present during the party. The reason for police presence is, back in 2002 the team tried to have a 25 year reunion, when the Hanson Brothers attempted to light the restaurant on fire and tried to bite several of the waitresses. No alcohol will be served but there will be a 7 dollar autograph session for fans.

MLB

Hayes admits to steroid use
Former Cleveland Indians centerfielder and star of the major motion blockbuster Black Hammer/ White Lightning, Willie Mayes Hayes, admitted to using steroids over the weekend.
Hayes was not mentioned in the Mitchell Report and has not been seen for over five years, but yesterday called a press conference at a Sandusky Ohio VFW to proclaim his steroid use. Hayes also mentioned that he once sold roids to former teammate Roger Dorn. No charges have been filled and nobody really seems to care, but according to friend and family, Hayes has fled to Mexico to live with former Indians slugger Pedro Ceranno were he will assist Ceranno in running his liquor empire "Jobu’s Rum " . Hayes played eight seasons with the Indians and stole over 2,000 bases. Bud Selig was unavailable for comment.

The Top 6 Coolest Players in Big East Basketball History

6. Vonteego Cummings Pitt '99

The most talented played ever to play at Pitt until Brandon Knight took the floor. "Teegs" was an ultimate fan favorite as he led the team in scoring his sophmore, junior, and senior year and is one of only six Pitt players drafted in the NBA First Round when he was taken in the 1999 NBA Draft by the Indiana Pacers (26th pick). Vonteego Cummings introduced me to a wreckless style of play that I would then later imitate on the playground in the rugged tough streets of the North Hills. Cummings will also be known as, being the first of many standout superstar PITT athletes that would amount to didly-poo in the NBA.

Vonteego to Lebron could have been something of legends.

NBA Career.

5. Jake Voskuhl UCONN '00
Voskuhl will be the only member of UCONN ever mentioned here unless I am celebrating that Khalid El Amin has been deported from the US. (see this article to justify my brutal reasoning). Voskuhl was a pain in the ass and constantly would come down with every single offensive rebound. Ever. He was one of those guy's that you would watch at home and get mad at because he was taking over the game and nobody could put a body on him. Not to mention, he looked like Thor. Cool in my book. Im sure will disagree...or.... not even read this.

Currently plays for the Bucks. Not our Bucs. But he could....

NBA Career

4. Reuben Boumtje-Boumtje Georgetown '01
By far the coolest name in sports history. Reuben Boumtje-Boumtje was a monster underneath the hoop .....ya know what, I am going to stop. I am not going to look up any stats or see if he even did anything cool. The name "Boumtje-Boumtje" is reason enough for this former Hoya to make my list. If you can say "Boumtje - Boumtje" without laughing, you have no soul.

Announcer's over-used the phrase "A BOOOOM from Boumtje - Boumtje"

NBA Career

3. Chad Varga Pitt '97
The sharpest looking bad-ass in Big East basketball history now teaches america's youth to inspire. What does that mean? I don't know. But you better not question him because, Varga will crush you. Averaging 10.5 pts and 5.6 rebounds per game, Varga not only showed his passion for the game on the court, he also donned the greatest designed NCAA jersey in history (see below). Chad Varga should be a role model for all men who inspire to be "that guy" at pick-up hoops who try waaaaaaay too hard.

Also starred as Ivan Drago in Rocky 4

2. God Shammgod Providence ' 97

This gritty pointguard was a godsend to the Providence basketball squad in the late 90's. He constantly was dishing to others and setting up plays, making opponents look god-awful. God, this guy was a hell of a player. God only knows why he never made it in the NBA. Want me to keep going.? God, I hope not......

No relation to Jesus Shuttleworth.


NBA Career

1. Bootsy Thornton St. Johns '97
I hated this guy, but loved him at the same time. Bootsy Thornton emodied everything that a Big East basketball player should be. He ran the court smoothly and was at times overshadowed by troublemaker Eric Barkley and "the one and only" Ron Artest. Bootsy never amounted to the player that his talent showed he could become, but will always be rememberd by many.....well probably just me.

Bootsy is amazed that someone remembers his career.

No NBA Career. Euro League.

Breaking No News

Terelle Pryor is in no rush to attend college. Butler County Community College is making one last final push...
http://postgazette.com/pg/08037/855148-100.stm

Simply Awesome

Don’t know if you saw that little football match last night, but the New York Giants defeated the New England Patriots, 17-14. It was significant because the Patriots had yet to lose a game this season……..that was until they defecated the bed last night. Living in the New England area and having an extreme hatred for the Patriots, I enjoyed last night festivities immensely. This picture is my favorite and sums up the evening.


Quote of Super Bowl XLII …from a proud Steeler fan and Pitt graduate "Man….Eli Manning is going to lose his virginity tonight"


We all know Ben can drink it up. But apparently he hosted quite a little swaray in a suite at a Super Bowl party this week. Recapped on Page 2. That a boy Benny!

Santonio Holmes and McLovin are best buddies. YES! I smell a sitcom.

My buddy sent me 4 text messages in a row describing Puppy Bowl 4 on the Animal Planet. Yes, the Puppy Bowl. Yes, this was the 4th edition. He dose not get out much. Check it out.

Mark Madden is making all his callers call in and say "Thank You Plax". I love it.
I don’t really agree with Madden mainly because I don’t think he has any credibility unless he is talking hockey, but the man has great comedic timing and instinct. You can not argue with ratings either. Thank You Plax.


Zubaz. Remember Zubaz? Quite possibly the most eye popping and unique fashion statement from the mid 90s are still available to be purchased. I am man enough to admit that yes, I once passed a note to a girl in study hall sporting bright green zubaz asking if she wanted to meet me by the flag pole after school. It didn’t work……



….but they do however work for the Legion of Doom…..







My "man pass" should be revoked because I have yet to see Rambo, but I have sat through an episode of American Idol. Apparently a lot of things blow up, people die from bow and arrow attacks, and Stallone says something cheesy…..which completely explains why it has already grossed 25 million dollars in its first 10 days in the theaters. This has led to Stallone inking a large deal to continue to create sequels for Rocky and Rambo. Needless to say I am more excited than Gus Johnson announcing a professional football touchdown. Since these movies will continue to be made I want to throw out some suggestions for actors to reprise roles as significant characters in unnecessary sequels.



-Sylvester Stallone in "Stop or My Mom will Shoot Again"

-Michael J. Fox as Scott Howard in "Teen Wolf 3: Return of Styles"

- Dave Chappelle as Thurgood in "Half Baked 2: I threw a 50million dollar TV show down the toilet because I went nuts on PCP"

-The dude who played RoboCop in "RoboCop 4: I am still a Robot Cop that talks funny"

- The entire cast of Salute your Shorts in "Salute your Shorts : The Movie"(not really a sequel I just saw that AMP Energy drink commercial with Donkeylips and it made me think about why Nickelodeon never thought of making a major motion picture based off the hit TV show. What is Budnick up to? )

…that is all. Sorry for wasting your valuable time.

The best thing about Super Bowl XLII

The fact that this was ready to be written and published just makes this day much more enjoyable as a Patriot hater.....

Dumb Stupid Idiots

....more to come later today when my workload is lighter. Ramblings include Zubaz pants, my trip to Pitt - Uconn and Stallone movies.

The Pirates vs. The Movies.

The Pirates won 68 games last year. Yes, 68. To put that in perspective, the NBA's Dallas Mavericks won 67 games last year. They play 82 games total. The Buccos play 162. That is not good. This year, our battling Bucs embark on a journey to become the worst professional sports team the world has ever laid eyes on, as they go for consecutive losing season number sixteen. So, as spring training rapidly approaches, the distant thoughts of major league depression and horrendous baseball start to worm their way back into my optimistic mind. That being said, I am feeling compelled to shed some light on how shitty this team may possibly be. Being a large fan of cinematic art, I compiled a team of fictional baseball players (from the films I grew up on) and compared, position by position, my team (appropriately named The Lone Rangers, see: "Airheads") against our 2008 Pittsburgh Pirates. Enjoy.

First Base - Adam Laroche vs. Lou Collins (Little Big League)LaRoche went through a so-called "slump" at the beginning of last year but started to turn it around after the all-star break. Too bad the Bucs were already 400 games back of the division lead. LaRoche's love for killing animals (hunting), and the fact that he does have the potential to hit 30-plus dingers for the Bucs, gives him a slight edge over Collins.Sweet Lou has been a staple of the Minnesota Twins lineup throughout the fictional 1990's. He has faced the likes of Steve Farr and Randy Johnson and has come out on top almost every time. Most "casual crappy-movie-goers" will remember that Collins divided the clubhouse when he decided to date the fraternal mother of Twins Manager, Billy Haywood. Haywood, who was 14 at the time, frowned upon their dates to the ice cream shoppe and Great America and eventually benched Collins for a significant amount of fake games. Some may question Collins’ leadership and clubhouse likeability, but they will never question his success as a cougar hunter.
Advantage: In a surprise victory, LaRoche. Bucs - 1 Lone Rangers - 0

Second Base - Freddy Sanchez vs. Michael "Squints" Palledorous (The Sandlot)At first glance, some may say that Sanchez wins this match up hands down. But I do not see it as an easy contest.... to say the least. Michael "Squints" Pallerdorous looks like the kid you used to throw dodgeballs at before the game even started in middle school, but he has some athletic ability. Squints, the co-creator of the term "L-7 weeenie," went 12 for 14 in the only competitive game the Sandlot kids played. As the unheralded risk taker of the Sandlot squad, MP took things to a new level when he faked drowning in the local community pool just so Wendy Peffercorn would give him mouth-to-mouth. Those are the things legends are made of.Sanchez, on the other hand, won a batting title, has a clubbed foot, made the all-star team two years in a row, and just signed a new contract.
Advantage: Squints! "FOR-EV-ER." Bucs - 1 Lone Rangers - 1

Shortstop - Jack Wilson vs. Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez (The Sandlot)The Jet can do it all. He filled in every position for the Sandlot boys until Smalls joined the group (Free Sandlot history lesson). Even a "grown up" Jet stole home for the Dodgers and maintained a beautiful moostache.Jumping Jack is the heart and soul of the bucs. As the longest tenured member of this wretched baseball squad, it is still a mystery as to why he has not packed up his things and moved to Fallujah. For that reason and that reason alone, Jack Wilson will always be a Pirate.
Advantage: Wilson. Bucs - 2 Lone Rangers - 1

Third Base - Jose Bautista vs. Roger Dorn (Major League)The man buys the team and then declares a "Roger Dorn Poster Night" in the highly criticized Major League 2. No Contest.
Advantage: Dorn Bucs - 2 Lone Rangers - 2

Left Field - Jason Bay vs. Scotty Smalls (The Sandlot)Although Bay had about as good of a year as Britney Spears did in ‘07, he never gave himself a black eye while playing catch, and I am assuming he knows who Babe Ruth is. Dumbass.
Advantage: Bay. Bucs - 3 Lone Rangers - 2(this is a heated affair)

Center Field - Nyjer Morgan/Nate McClouth/Chris Duffy vs. Willie Mayes Hayes (Major League)This is currently the only position battle in the Pirates 2008 starting lineup. Morgan, McClouth, and Duffy all possess similar skills like being quick on the base paths and having the ability to hit for average. They all have the potential to be successful prototypical leadoff hitters for the Bucs. That being said, they can not hold Willie Mayes Hayes' jockstrap.Hayes had the audacity to show up un-invited to Indians camp in '89 and, to his credit, impressed all coaches and staff immediately. After 100 some stolen bases and 100 unnecessary holes in the wall from mounting his batting gloves, Hayes went on to star in a feature film with Jesse “the body” Ventura, appropriately titled "Black Hammer/ White Lighting". Hayes was Hammer in case you didn’t catch the trailer.
Advantage: Hayes. I don’t care who wins the bucs CF job, they will never compare to a Wesley Snipes character. (Omar Epps played Hayes in 2).
Bucs - 3 Lone Rangers - 3

Right Field - Xavier Nady vs. Pedro Cerrano (Major League)
This my favorite matchup thus far. The agressive budhist turned passive spiritual nice guy against the aggressive prick from new york turned aggressive nice guy from the burgh. Give Cerrano a chicken to sacrifice and piss him the hell off and you got your self a garuntead 3 runs batted in from the Cuban Crusher.
Nady can go 5 for 5 one night and make diving catches in the outfield ....to.....pulling a hip flexor in the on deck circle. Has shown flashes of brilliance at times and has also show flashes of not giving a shit....
Advantage: Cerrano "YOU HAVE NO MARBLES" Bucs - 3 Lone Rangers - 4

Catcher - Ronny Paulino vs. Ham Porter (The Sandlot)
All though these two chubby turds are similar in stature, the two differ in many ways. Paulino the quite soft spoken bottom of the lineup catcher had a terrible season in 07 and still dose not speak english well. Porter on the other hand belts homers at will and, was the sole contributor to the heated exchange between the "Giants" bratty representivie "Phillips" at Sandlot Field. Dropping gems like "Butt sniffer" and "Fart smeller" and hurling insults such as "You mix your Wheaties with your mama's toe jam" and the classic "You play ball like a girl", Porter stole the show and eventually the hearts of overweight 12 year olds everywhere (that was mean).
Advatange: Porter. Lets speed the blog along, I got to get home for lunch.
Bucs -3 Lone Rangers - 5

Pitcher - Matt Morris vs. Eddie Harris (Major League)
Both are grizzled veterans who are past their prime. Both can give you 7 solid innings each time they take the mound. Both can pitch lights out and look like they would rather be at a dive bar listening to Molly Hatchet. Both can be proud endorsers of ben-gay. But one, only one, puts snot......... on the ball.
Advantage: Harris.
Bucs - 3 Lone Rangers - 6

Closer - Matt Capps vs. Henry Rowengartner (Rookie of the Year)
If you have not seen Rookie of the Year. You are simply not american. On the contrary, if you have not seen Matt Capps pitch, that is because the Bucs never have a chance to utilize their closer....
Advantage : Push (got lazy here, leave me alone.)

Manager - John Russell vs. Billy Haywood (Little Big League)
No baseball fan would confuse either of these two with Tony LaRussa or Tommy Lasorda, but both are unique. Haywood a child prodigy, at the age of 14 not only OWNED the Minnesota Twins (in fake movieland) but he also had the testicular fortitude to name himself Manager. The pube-less balls on this guy. To Haywood's credit, he turned a rag-tag squad of nobodys, into playoff contenders by teaching them algebra equations and how to throw water ballons out of hotel rooms.
Russell on the other hand was well.....well he did do......nope.....well that one time......ah shit.......he was our third base coach once.
Advantage: Billy the kid.
Bucs - 3 Lone Rangers - 7

Well there you have it folks, a bunch of actors who portrayed baseball players are better on paper than the actual Pittsburgh Pirates starting lineup for 2008. I dont know about you, but I'm expecting to see alot 0f 7-3 scores this year. You got your tickets??

Secreast OUT!

Things I think are funny

NHL Network: If you dont have the NHL Network, you are missing out. If you dont have cable, pony up 60 bucks and call Comcast. If you don't own a television, you are probably in better shape than I am. Anyways...the NHL Network has about 5 commercials, one of which plays on repeat during live NHL games, here is a satire of said commercial....



Featured Stand Up Comedian : Rich Vos.

The 25 year stand up vet is currently playing the Funny Bone in Hartford, CT this week. I attended last night and was in tears by the end of the show. Vos, rips on everyone in the audience and holds nothing back. To quote the grizzled comic "nice sweater mam, what are those flowers? It looks like a crayon box just jerked off on your sweater"

(I am a HUGE stand up comedy fan and will continue to feature comics on here, standup is probably THE toughest job in the world, besides working along side John Madden)

"HI I'm Brian Bellows" : Hockey misses Kevin Stevens and Brian Trottier. Please. Please. Watch this:

7 Pictures explaining why I hate Tom Brady.

I have hated this guy and his stupid haircut since the day he beat the Steelers in the AFC championship game. I hate him. Seriously, if he sprained his ankle and had to wear a boot to deliver flowers to his 78 pound girlfriend and everyone talked about how he might not play and how he has not practiced....I wouldn't care. Would you? Too bad that won't happen. Ever.

Here are 7 visual images explaining why I hate the metro QB.....

7. Really dude. Stetson?


6. How does he get in an episode of the Simpsons and I have yet to be cast as Homer's new drinking buddy? Everyone knows Homer is a Steelers fan.


5. Does. Not. Deserve.


4. He was the "honorary" coin flipper for Super Bowl XL. The one time my favorite team makes it to the Super Bowl (in my lifetime), I thought we would be Brady free....but Nooooooooooo. Why? ohhh why?


3. Another Stetson pride parade....


2. I would rather have my quarterback wreck his motorcycle into a 94 year old ladies Buick, than have him pose like this....


1. I have seen him win 3 Super Bowls in my lifetime and possibly number 4 this Sunday. He has ruined each and every football season with these victories. That all said, as much as I hate him and a disagree with his choice of cologne to endorse, he is a GREAT quarterback. (I just threw up all over the dog).

"Thats some of the best acting I have EVER seen"

Everyone in Pittsburgh has seen this video, but its just too damn hillarious not to share with my 7 readers... the first 8 seconds are the best.

The Comeback

After a long year of detailed myspace stalking and strenuous studies of Family Guy episodes, I have decided to start spewing thoughtless rubbish back onto a webpage that I believe people will actually read.

Mainly, I will discuss sports, especially Pittsburgh sports but I will also not limit myself to pop culture garbage, movies I think are spectacular, and what I ate for lunch. Enjoy in small doses.....